In Control of Me by Tammi Joyner (Journal Dec 2014)

Short Story-Memoir

Dear Journal:

December 10, 2014, I’m in Manhattan, NY!

Recent Entry to the “The Voice”, Song title, ” Lord Have Mercy On Me”, song written by Tammi Joyner, dedicated to Marquel Green!
“The Voice” TV Program, All Star Cast i.e. Judges: Gwen and Country Favorite Male Artist Blake etc…

The Order of ReverbNation: To enter the contestants from the Reverbnation Website,
by registration to The Voice Singing Competition,(only 5 slots)! 
Contestants are to send an MP3!
I am not sure of supporting data given on each Artist for judging purposes!

Five (5), ReverbNation Artist will be selected to audition! (At the top  of the list!)

Thought: (I can do my own predictions of “Lord Have Mercy On Me”! – “Singer, Songwriter, Ms. Tammi Joyner”!)  
Well, it’s a slim chance but I can say, “I tried!” (Only 5 slots!)  

Thought: To enter feels good!

(Rant)On the other side of the game, It in my mind I am not his lady,  I am divorced, (GLBT Divorce)!
(Rant) This is a good example of the slick shit that the “Stars” do to break down a Network so they cheap asses don’t have to pay nobody!
Yeah, use the American System, Po Folk, then rob them blind!

(Pax) I been unstable lately, Paxil, Pristiq, and Seroquel!
Whatever, the drugs has not been working!
No, I have been unable to block out the voices, I am tired!
I had an “Out of Body Experience”  that almost stopped my heart!
Risperdol and Haldol (haloperidol) were both to strong for me!
Doctor told me to take a 3rd or Half a pill to accommodate my weight, That is all!
That Dumb Bitch didn’t change my prescription!
Well, live on an “As Needed Basis” the other doctor told me!

(Loud in Stereo)
“Try Ambien or try Valium, but get the “Black” version”, the other patients said!
What?
Black As in Negro? – Nigger!
Word? Word!

(Re-Collect the Thought for Clarity)
Well, thoughtful minds try to use the given info for a benefit, so here goes:

“Case Studies reveal that per population results are found with indicators that alert doctors of specific findings relevant to contributing populations – info that better serve a targeted market from each race or population for their survey or poll etc…etc…”
Man fa Real?!  What? What!
Yeah, Do the research, get the drugs to yo community!

Well, Babble On!”

See cause, I been railroaded, what I mean is, my mind playing tricks on me!
(How bad is it?)
Well, I am not sleeping with a married man and I ain”t gay nor bisexual!
Even further,  I am not fucking the dog!
So then, I have a blown out of proportion problem!
Keeping it together!
What I mean, I am doing a lot of “Daydreaming”!
I have been “Fresh”, like in my mind!
I am not going all the way as far as “Sex without touching”!
No, I am in tact, but the time frame for the daydreams, are out of control!
The man of my daydreams is a married man!
Boo, Boo,(a sound that people make when they do not approve of something)!
I know I can’t win!
It is dumb shit!
It is out of control!
What?
My bad, yeah, he is a Star on TV and Radio and he heard me!
What kind of Grandious Delusion is this?
He heard because he is “Elite”!
I’m confused, but he too is confused!
Yeah, He demonstrates symptoms of Schizophrenia!
Hell, that’s my diagnosis!
It seems to be the turn-on!
Yeah, exposed!
Private thoughts exposed!
There is nothing that can happen physically!
I am not in to this!

(Babble)
I am not in Love, I repeat, I am not in Love!
I’m confused, but he too is confused
No, I am not hopeless!
No, I am not crazy in love!
No, I am not special nor cute!
I won’t try him anyway!
Honestly, I feel endangered by him and his old class!
Are they looking for Daddy Klan-ton?

(Roaming)

He fought my family, my mother, my father and my child!
He is two faced, he smiles in my face and fought my family!
I am broke, a poor girl, I do not know ten people to any Star!
He is to dangerous!

Tough one, you see, I”m in control of me, but he hit my family before i ever tried to make a profit!
You see, I sing, he is in the business!
I thought I was thinking innocently in private, you see!
I entertained some thoughts!
I said in my daydream, “You do not have to go down, no intercourse sex, and no anal!
I only caressed him!
Define Caress: to treat with tokens of fondness, affection, or kindness strong
to touch or stroke lightly in a loving or endearing manner
to touch or affect as if with a caress echoes that caress the ear
(Scream)
We didn’t commit no crime!
I didn’t break no laws!
He ain’t in my bed!
I don’t write no letters to contact him direct!
I did not make private contact!
I am not a distraction!
I am exploited and abused!
The situation is out of control!
Body fluids and Payment from the Bugs Life!
But I was all talk and no action – why the unsafe approach?

I am losing supporters!
I am not liked because of it, (Now, picture that “Baby” not liked!)
I am liked, I don’t want anyone taking that away from me!

So then,  nothing further from me!
In summary, we met, a meeting of the minds lets call it!
Sort of like, believe what you want, I ain’t seen nobody!

I was alone struggling for peace of mind, they broke in on me with the “Reels” of my “Star” and his statements!
“Reels” means TV programs with my “Stars” statements!
(Dreamy Talk) Seems like he was talking to me!

Note: Premarital sex is sex! but this is to much of a tease, temptation, and nice feeling without touching!

So why then the extreme reprecussion?  

(Questions)
Why can’t I lose now?
Why can’t I shut it down?
Why won’t he stop?

Note: It seems to be a systemic glitch, a system out of control!
Define: System/Network/scheme/mannerism/plan/proceeding/mode/diverse and interelated

Babble: Something like other people doing the work too!
Babble: How precious is that?  Not what I wanted, more like the movie character “Precious”!
Babble: This ain’t it, This ain’t no star quality, this ain’t gon work!

I expected safety, I asked for nothing!
I got hurt!
I am angry!
I’m going to do what a smart woman would do, I am going to close, end all, and stop!
I am going to act as a divorced community member, move on, grow again, go to work, take care of myself and my family, live good and love god!

(Song)Ain’t no stopping us now, we are on the move!
Peace out “Star”!
My Pharaoh, My Prince, My Dream Boat, and My Responder!

P.S.
To Lead, we must live according to the principles of a good leader!
I’m in control of me…stay in control of yourself!

P.S.S.
Lord Have Mercy On Me…

Thank you,
TJoyner

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